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  • Writer's pictureTweakUnique

The Toilsome Twosome

Exactly 33 years after the king's first breath, Kelly and her mother’s eyes first met. Suddenly she’s rockin’ Krakow university - composing harp melodies with creativity. Soon daddy decreed Poland be quarantined - cuz Casimir gets what Casimir wants  “whadda great guy cuzza plagues thatty stops.” An escape hatched from her slumbering dreams for constructing a lofty eagle-feather-winged-glider that led her off the edge of Wawel’s tallest tower where she vanished silent in flight that moonless midnight hour.She touched down far beyond the suppressing city walls; and by noon had traveled over 60 miles. She snuck quiet and cool with goods stashed in her cloak: some flint, a dagger, gold, arrows, and a bow. She hunted, she gathered, she foraged, she cooked - the wilderness was hers: everywhere she looked. But, she longed for songs; missing melodic rhythms - isolation conjured in her an inner cynicism.Traveling north she sought minstrels in the Kingdom of Novgorod: no one parties like bardies: those creative, clever lot. The path led her to a strangely serene village, intact and undamaged, lacking any sign of pillage… where no sound echoed off thatch-roof cottage streets except for droning swarms of infinite fleas.


Pain and suffering were caught stiff in corpses’ poses holding horrid expressions stuck in rigor mortis - the awful acrid stench made her cover her face - overwhelming instinct demanded she escape. Dark vile ooze seeped black apple-sized boils leaking creases in deceased adults, boys, and girls. Rotting fingers clutched bibles, rose petals, and posies caked with black vomit dried on their clothing.


Walking paths amassed pick-pecking vultures ripping flesh torn off torn-up cadavers. It nauseated her, she social-distanced… Why would God’s pestilence slay pious innocents who humbly served their lord with diligence?She left the dead crowd staring into the sun. “What can I do to fix what’s been done?”


Then a gyrfalcon dove-slam a flying squirrel to the earth, the gasping rodent fumbled an acorn toward her famished child in the dirt. Kelly's arrow pinned the preying bird to a tree who croaked alongside mommy, momentarily.


The defenseless orphan wasn’t yet fully-grown and Kelly wasn’t gonna leave her helpless and alone. She fed the little Rascal berries, bugs, veggies, and nuts - and trained her in reconnaissance with special skillful stunts.


Rascal clutched an arrow as Kelly let the fletch go-oh twang zing zoom twirl wind fling flow! The airborne rodent spiraled wide circling glides, surveying the countryside for anyone alive. The toiling twosome spotted survivors wandering out west, who they followed on a path to maybe remedy this bubonic mess.


In Novogrot’s near empty port city Veliky, Monks self-flagellated whips snapping repeatedly. While their relentless distraction appeased the scant masses, the duo leapt on a sail then slipped down its mast hidden in a cog afloat on the Volkhov; gone with the wind in thick silky fog.


The merchant ship transported its furs and fish to Visby but unknowingly: the plague, October, 1350. Concealed in a trunk of pelts and hides, the duo departed the dock off the boat's port side. She thieved then disguised in a Wolverine fur, no one recognized the missing princess was her. She did not understand the Swedish tongue, but recognized Celtic like it was sung. 3 Scots joked at the English’s expense entering a tavern to gamble with pints full of nonsense.


She approached their table directly - raising their eyebrows skeptically. “Care to deal in a lady?” she asked calm and collectedly. Her gold coin blinged the table which made plenty change - she bought a couple rounds then started winning games. Peter, the leader, figured she was alright - “My brrrother Blake’s on my left, my lad Will’s on my rrright. What brings a Poe-lish girrrl herrre at this time of night?”The princess relayed the details of her tale yearning to plant seeds of solution to bloom in restitution. They looked at Kelly a moment, then huddled up. “She’s totally cool, rrright?” “Aye aye.” “Yup.” Blake leaned in explaining what was up:

“Laisten clause nauo, laise, far are new zis baid: Thair eggs xists ay main hahoo iz aiz wickeh das hee ihz maid. Traiss, Earl uhff Lee, prrractist necrrramantic sarrr sayrrrie. Eee synthaizzz dhrraw eeevilll grrrowing fleise gnaw ying pee pull AY loan in darrr kcells, cauld, buh tin haill. Heez prrred thuhd izz ease thatty deh laive rrrd to thuhg enoese, 12 infffestehd gall ease brrrought it back to Italy, infecting paurrrts of Messina surrrprrrising Sicily. Hoarrrding thuh own Lee currre he’ll rrransom humanity feeding incessant grrreed with saw diz tick vah nih tee. We waill faight thais mayonaise ehhfv ur ree wai week ain, may this aye Land make haven to prrrotehct ourrr wee-est kin.”Hobbling near the tavern stumbling outside, an infested man died suddenly mid-stride cracking on cobblestones splitting his skull wide. There was no escape from this contagious spell, there was no safe place for good people to live well. They would have to conquer Trass in his tower over Lee, stealing the coveted cure to heal humanity.


Kelly and the Scots executed a covert operation sinking their Birlinn in Chessel Bay to conceal the situation. Rascal scouted the turrets of Southampton Castle’s battlements then signaled something glamorous. They lurked in clandestine cutting throats felling watchmen.


Disguised in armor of the recently slain, they harnessed 3 steed’s in a ballista train. Three Scots riding Clydesdales and a Polish girl besieged Lee early undercover - with a flying squirrel.


The tower’s tip glowed in dawn’s illumination; poisoned spikes prevented a wall-climb infiltration. The Toilsome Team fastened a rope to the ballista’s side which they tied on a bolt for Kelly to climb. She bow-launched Rascal to survey the attack - after 5 minutes, homegirl didn’t come back. The bolt they loosed on the spire's west side latched and attached a long shadowed line.The horizons arose simultaneously with battalions marching at dangling Kelly. But, the armies did not notice her climb; all were focused on the Scots - buying her time.


Peter’s, Blake’s, and Will’s faces inflated with glorious glee - “The ENGLISH SHALL REMEMBER ME!” Great Scots courage shimmered invincibility; blood sprayed waves back at attacking infantry. The heroes cut their opposition in ribboning piles, hacking blurry entrails, slicing limbs off wild! Then their army wheeled its first catapult which the Scots immobilized with a Ballista bolt. Their finite ammo cache dwindled and depleted, in mere moments they’d be vaporized, exploded - deleted. Projectiling oil barrels splashed a massive group: friendly fire from a hay ball erupted a jetting pyre plume.Rascal fought and squirmed in an airborne GiantFalcon’s talon - seeing Kelly top the tower she screamed out with abandon. Kelly loosed her second-to-last arrow clipping GiantFalcon’s ass, who squawked compromised, releasing the squirrel out his grasp. The tailspinning bird flapped haphazardly, caught by a masked man whose seizing henchmen captured Kelly.


They dragged her through corridors, they beat her, mistreated her, tried to defeat her, they hurt her, perverted her, tied her with wire demanding she answer, slapping striking “listen Witch!” like slander. They stripped her down locked up in despair: Buzzing in her ears. Biting: everywhere! Forever sequestered cold and restrained she succumbed to skin bumps infected with plague.



Something scuffed her chains - Rascal had arrived! With squirrel-training in pitch dark she picked the locks off blind. She wasn’t gonna weave dis wittle human awo awone; Rascal led her person to her last arrow and bow.


Woozy Kelly drew her bow through the quarters of this monster’s bed. Rascal bit the skin and strap wrapping the mask onto his head. Trass’s eyelids snapped alive: Double Vision Arrow Eyes! “You cry, you die - without the cure, you die.” Trass spit a bitter rasping reply, “Men cannot lead anything. Whattadya call a forsaken leader? A king! Walking cocks are constantly lost! It’s time women take control despite the sacrificial cost.” Trass removed his mask, revealing he was actually a lady. Kelly pretended to agree to the insane misandry - following her into an alchemical lab where 3 yellow vials rested on a stone slab table, one rejuvenated Kelly: suddenly strong and stable. Trass uncorked one and started chugging hard which muffled a gurgled scream as the arrow pierced her heart. Trass collapsed a shattered mess: her cleavage dripped orange between bound breasts.


Kelly dragged the body to the pit of fleas, then donning her mask became Earl of Lee. They trained the GiantFalcon as Rascal’s flying mount - delivering cures, they saved more lives than she could count.







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